Ben Marcus Rules

What does Malibu lack? What does Malibu need? Trader Joes, some say, a Fed Ex Kinkos maybe, while others argue for speed cameras and/or speed bumps and/or pedestrian bridges/tunnels from Cross Creek to Big Rock, or maybe all along PCH. Because an Autobahn running through a residential neighborhood causes unrest.

"Guard gates!?” said John Philbin. “Like 17 Mile Drive. One on each end, Dukes and Neptune’s Net. Eleven dollars and twenty five cents for 21 miles of Scenic Beauty. Deal!”

Some would love to see the dreaded Artificial Intelligence applied to planning and permitting by the City of Malibu to speed it all up and turn years into months.

Malibu needs a sports bar. A good one. A great one, with a couple dozen screens of all sizes, Cornhole, pool tables, a killer, old school jukebox and a dance floor for moshing and/or two-stepping and/or twerking. Equal parts honky tonk and bistro that is - as the Australians say, “On for young and old:” Done right, a Malibu Sports Bar would be a social alchemy of wide-eyed, newly-free, apple-cheeked Pepperdine kids wondering if using fake IDS goes against scripture and then across the Malibu spectrum of swimming fools and movie stars to the many retired athletes who live in Malibu: AC to Reggie Miller to Steve Wright.

Bring back karaoke night. And what’s so funny about a music scene in a town that is home to everyone from Bob Dylan to Babs to Benatar to Beck!!!!????

Looks like Habana has no intention of bringing back Covid-killed karaoke night and that’s a shame, because that was Malibu’s biggest social night for many years.

If and when the Cross Creek Ranch opens, they should have a sports bar in there. And Your Humble Narrator sent a snoopy bunch of queries and questions to the powers that be at Zinque’s suggesting they make their place sports bar friendly, and the karaoke thing and the music scene - but they didn’t answer because they are furiously working to open that place.

Fall is intoxicating in Malibu and all along the California coast and should almost be classified as a Class C drug. In the fall, a Malibu citizen’s fancy turns to thoughts of less crowds, less WaveStorms, late-season southern hemisphere swells, full-sized boxes of Mike and Ikes and Good n’ Plenty while trick or treating in the Malibu Colony.

And for a displaced NorCalian, fall means cheering on the World Champion San Francisco Football 49ers as they open a can of whoop ass on whoever is dumb enough to challenge them.

It was a fine fall night on Wednesday September 20 when a crowd of surfisticates gathered together to listen to Matt George read excerpts from his book “IN DEEP,” A collection of surf writing spanning 35 years. Matt George lives in Bali full time but he came to America to read from his book. And maybe because he was longing for the sublimities of California in the fall.

The shining happy faces were digging the scene at the area called the Surf Canyon…

https://www.instagram.com/surfcanyonmalibu/

www.surfcanyon.co

…adjacent to Whole Foods and Anawalt’s Lumber. It's nice back there. The perfect setting for a book reading on a fine early fall night when there is Magic in the air.

Among the swimming fools and movie stars: Jeff Sweet, Paul Taublieb and Susan Cooper, Greg London and Brigitte were some of the faces who showed face. 

Cameron Farrer and his fair son Reed.

In the cool-guy corner talking story with YHN it was John Philbin who humorously portrayed the Pidgin-speaking Turtle in North Shore and was the surfer/bank robber in the Jimmie Carter mask who got shot by Gary Busey in Point Break and was one of the Cowboys shot and killed by the Earps in Tombstone. Philbin is a known associate of Matt Adler who portrayed Rick Kane in North Shore: The Movie.

And as a Special Guest, there was Matty Liu from In God’s Hands who had flown all the way from Hawaii to show face for his friend and co-star Matt George.

After a fraternal introduction by Sam George, Matt strapped a headlamp to his Kurtzian Gulliver and read three excerpts from IN DEEP. 

The first was from the infamous "The Seduction of Kelly Slater” SURFER Magazine profile, which, when first published in 1989 with a first and last line of “He sleeps like an angel," inspired howls of homophobia among the conservative surf cognoscenti. Matt gave a back story to all that trouble and strife - editors putting their feet down to move Matt from in-bed-with-Slater to watching-Slater-from-a-doorway and Judy Slater threatening to sue.

For Act Two, Matt emotionally read an emotional excerpt of a Layne Beachley profile which left him choked up.

UNCAPTIONED GALLERY OF DA BULL’S (RIP 1937 - 2021) LAIR ON THE SMITH, AIO (Almost In Oregon).

For an encore Matt read a shorter piece about hanging out with Greg Noll (RIP 1937 - 2021) in his compound on the Smith River almost in Oregon. Your Humble Narrator had spent some time up there within the gates listening to Greg Noll hold court about everything from Miki Dora to Donald Trump. To hang out with Greg Noll is an alchemy of John Wayne and Jonathan Winters - a smart, funny, tough guy. 

Matt read some stories with that headlamp on his head and then signed books and there was music and food and alcoholic/non alcoholic beer and it was a good vibe back there in the Surf Canyon. But there was no accessible WiFi signal back there and as Your Humble Narrator is a known WiFi tweaker who turns into a pumpkin after two hours with no signal, he left fashionably early and was relieved to find his EBike still locked up to some high voltage cables.

And speaking of smart, funny tough guys, as YHN was leaving fashionably early, Laird and Gabby Reece-Hamilton swept in fashionably late. And yes, those two don’t walk, they sweep, and not in the standup paddle sense. It was tempting to go back into the party and grill Laird about hanging out with gazillionaires on gazillayachts, but that would have been rude.

This was Matt George’s night.

Still tweaking for a WiFi signal to post some fast-breaking images of Matt George with a headlamp strapped to his Kurtzian Gulliver and to see if Tesla had bounced back up and satisfy other 21st Century nervous ticks, YHN rode toward The Lost Valley of Whole Foods to poach. Passing by the new pizza place and Irv’s Burgers, YHN did a big double take and was shocked and pleased to see… A sports bar!?!?!? In Malibu??!?!?! Malibujah!

This place is invisible by day but Nighthawks cool at night. The neon sign claimed THE SMALLEST SPORTS BAR IN AMERICA and it probably is. As seen from outside, this is a room no more than 25 ft by 25 ft with one big screen over a bar.

But cool, a sports bar just in time for Thursday Night Football in which the World Champion San Francisco Football 49ers are most likely going to open a can of whoop ass on the Dog Ass New York Giants. Or whoever.

And that is where Your Humble Narrator is right now as we speak. Sitting at the bar in the Smallest Sports Bar in America watching football and blowing on a too-hot slice of Prince Street pepperoni pizza as the WCSFF 49ers slice and blow away the New York Giants. 

This place is clean and well-lighted. The decoration is Sport Nouveau - somewhere between the bathrooms at Cafe Habana and/or that secret CBGB memorial alcove downstairs at the Bowery Patagonia and/or Cooperstown and/or the Football Hall of Fame in Akron. Someone invested a great deal of time cutting and pasting sports photos and pages and posters on all the walls and the ceiling.

The drink coasters are sports playing cards. A nice touch. This place has atmosphere.

Behind the bar is a goliath big screen TV on which the Niners are beating the Giants, and to the side are four other screens for the Rams or whoever. There is a bar with about seven seats so far, that serves beer and wine and epic bar food right next door. 

CAPTIONED SLIDE SHOW OF THE BIGGEST LITTLE SPORTS BAR IN MALIBU - A GALLERY

America’s Smallest Sports Bar is connected to Irv’s Burgers and Prince Street Pizza, which is the newest in a chain of nine stores masterminded by Lawrence Longo - a Canadian from Toronto:

I grew up in Canada and moved to LA in 2001. I would call myself a food entrepreneur and have always had a huge passion for sports.

When we were offered to take over the former “Real Coconut” the only way to make the rent work was to split it up between Prince St. Pizza and Irv's Burgers and there was just under 400 square feet of empty space left over. Despite being quite small, I knew I had to create something really special with what was left. I set out to open up a spot that made everyone nostalgic for the sports they grew up with, and something that both the locals, the pepperdine students and the weekenders could all enjoy, and that's when Sparky’s ~The Smallest Sports Bar in America~ came to life. 

When it came to the design, I knew I had to make use of every nook and cranny, so I took inspiration from my friend's home in Palm Springs, which is actually Kirk Douglas' former house. The walls are covered in Kirk's old movie posters, which reminded me of a way cooler version of my bedroom growing up, and that’s where in inspiration came to cover the ceiling and all the walls of Sparky's (including the bathroom walls, until the health department made me remove them) with old sports posters and memorabilia from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s. 

My hope for Sparky's is that one day it becomes The Largest Sports Bar in America that everyone can enjoy, but for now its Malibu’s small hidden treasure in the back of a pizzeria ;).”

To paraphrase Apocalypse Now: Sparky’s might be Lawrence Longo’s mission, but it sure as $hit is Tina’s bar.” While YHN was glued to the TV watching Christian McCaffrey and Debo run roughshod over the Giants’ defense, Tina the bartender showed a whole lotta aloha by running next door to bring some slices and it is safe to say:

Prince Street Pizza is rated X for Hot, Juicy, Saucy, Cheesy. 

This is First Rate Pizza. YHN started with a square slice topped with a piping hot layer of pepperoni. Too hot to eat at first but once it cooled down it went down. And then Tina took charge and got a slice of Fancy Prince and a square of The Naughty (feat. spicy Vodka sauce, spicy pepperoni, fresh mozzarella, ricotta and… honey?)

Yes, honey-dipped pizza. Try it! You’ll like it!

Prices are reasonable: $4 - $6.50 for a slice and $27 - $36.50 for a whole pie.

Prince Street is going to put a dent in the Whole Foods Pizza campaign and might make the Top Five along with Pizza My Heart in Santa Cruz. (Two days later two Pepperdine coeds were eating Prince Street at Whole Foods - in fact)

Turns out that was opening night for the biggest little sports bar in Malibu. Tina was hired only four days before and was getting the hang of the place. That night there were maybe six seats at the bar and people would wander in from next door with cardboard boxes full of pizza and order a beer or wine and talk story. 

Tina texted and Lawrence Longo emailed photos of the near future: some comfy sofas and tables which will facilitate a maximum of 25 people. Clean and well-lighted and cozy and comfortable with good vibes and X Rated pizza at a reasonable price.

The good thing about having wealthy sophistos around is the food is really good. That’s true from Montauk to Sun Valley to Malibu - you have to be good in this town or you’re gonna get run out on a rail.

YHN told Tina that places in Malibu either fall off a cliff or take off like a rocket. Broad Street Oyster is an example of the latter. Tina likes her job and likes being in Malibu but she should prepare to get swamped. 

(And sure enough, the very next night - a Friday - there were chairs and tables and the place was jammed. As it will most likely continue to be.)

If you provide good food at a good price and quality service and a good atmosphere you're golden.

Final score of 49ers vs Giants was 30 - 12. They’re looking good. Looking fierce! But it’s a long season and now there is a cool little place to watch it all go down.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie - that’s one of the sublimities of riding a bike around Malibu at night. Especially this time of year when the cold breeze from off the ocean is usurped by warm gusts of pre-Santa Ana winds coming out of the mountains smelling like sage that envelop you in luscious warmth. That warm mountain wind usurping the cold ocean wind is as sublime as the stars at night and the lights of Malibu.

The new Santa Monica College campus looks splendid at night. The cross at Serra Retreat looks holier at night.

As opposed as some people are to the Cross Creek Ranch - because does Malibu really need another shopping complex and isn’t this another example of encroaching Agouraphobia - if and when it opens Cross Creek Ranch will probably look nice at night, too.

There's magic in the air in Malibu at night. And now Malibu has a Sports Bar! It’s small, but it’s happening! X-rated pizza! Get some!

To paraphrase Austin Powers: “Sparky’s is happening, and it freaks me out!”