Ben Marcus Rules

 Que onda, vato?

Mucho trabajo, poco dinero, como siempre.

Si, la misma. Habla Ingles?

Yeah I speak English. You kidding? I’m not Mexican, I’m just dressed that way. My mom is Welsh/German and my dad is Transylvanian gypsy Jewish.

Lo siento. I mean, sorry to assume, but I thought…

Yeah I get that a lot.

This is kind of a tough gig, standing here watching Malibu change over the years. The traffic….

Yeah why’d they have to face me this way? I’d rather be looking at the deep and dark blue ocean. Dolphins and surfers and luxury yacht and sunrises over Carson and those winter sunsets and all that. I’m here watching Zuma Jay sweep the sidewalk and suckers spend hundreds of dollars for an ounce of polio weed. I remember when it was fifteen dollars an ounce!

I have questions. Athena wonders if your feet hurt. You’re on them all day long.

Athena! I remember her! Lovely gal. What’s she up to?

Selling real estate in Las Vegas and California.

Good for her. Damn fine gal. But she’s right about the feet. I would give anything to get off this perch and move around. Walk the beach. Dig my toes in the sand. Kick up my heels. You think I’m looking good here?

And another gal who wished to remain anonymous asked about… well that's not appropriate.

I get that a lot, too. I’m 22 feet tall and my feet are five feet long so do the math… Ain’t nobody’s business but my own.

The actual La Salsa restaurant closed quite a while ago, and yet y’all still are, watching over it all. In the words of Talking Heads: “Well, how did you get here?”

Well I come from the Muffler Man family, created by International Fiberglass. There used to be many of us, across the USA, in the 1960s.

MUFFLER MAN GALLERY 

I remember that. There was a Muffler Man in San Jose when I was growing up.

Yep, that’s my cousin Babe. The Muffler Man. Babe the Muffler Man, on the Alameda. We used to tease him: “Do you know the Muffler Man??!?!?”

That’s the guy. He still around? San Jose has changed, bro. KSJO is a Bollywood station now.

Yep Babe is still standing, but the world has changed around him. I worry about his future though. I see more and more Teslas and Rivians and electric cars passing by. More and more every month. 

How will the Muffler Men survive?!?!?!?

And there’s another one of your kind, at the junction of the 405 and the 110. 

Yeah that’s my cousin, Babe the Porsche Guy.

Man you got a lot of cousins. Are you a Malloy? You sure you aren’t Mexican? Irish? Italian?

He was a Muffler Man too. But they transitioned him into the Porsche Motorsports Racer Man. He is looking over the 405 and gets to watch the Goodyear Blimp come and go.

Change is a constant. Maybe they’ll turn Babe into a wind turbine or solar energy collector or something.

I hate this 21st Century.

If you’ve been standing there since 1960, I can only imagine.

Yeah this used to be a Frostie Freeze. That was the original gig. I was a soda jerk.

Speaking of jerks. Didn’t the Runman rascals dress you up as a stunt way back in the 1980s? What’s the best way to put this: Uberphallicize you?

Truth is, that was a bunch of Pepperdine kids. A frat prank.

Pepperdine? I thought that was a Christian school. Hanging a giant schwanz off a very public statue isn’t very Christian.

I was helpless. What could I do? I could write a book about all the antics I’ve been subjected to and I’ve seen from here. I could write a book if I had use of my hands.

Que malo. Why’s everybody always pickin’ on me?

When did you transition from soda jerk into bandido server?

Well the years pass by and numbers escape me, but I think it was around 1988, when Frostie Freeze became La Salsa.

That was Howdy who opened La Salsa.

Yeah, Howdy es hombre correcto. A good dude. How’s he doing?

He’s fine. He opened Howdy’s Nuevo in the new Cross Creek Plaza deal and they’re doing good.

Mazel tov. Good for him. La Salsa was a good little restaurant here. Popular.

For many years it was muy celebroso. My Russian wife loved La Salsa. It was just the thing, apres surf. A shame they closed it. Still don’t know why.

Forget it, Jake. It’s Malibu.

Malibu, yep. This place is tricky. So how did they transition you - if I can use that politically-explosive-these-days word - from a soda jerk to a bandido?

Back then there was a hipster artist guy named Bob “Daddy O” Wade (1943 - 2019) who transitioned me. I used to be holding a hamburger, and now that hamburger is on my head.

Clever!

Yeah I liked that guy but I wish he’d turn me right ‘round right ‘round and faced me toward the ocean. Away from all the exhaust and into the fresh breeze. I’m sure I could see the lineup at First Point clear as day here. I would love to have watched that Hurricane Marie swell. I could hear it and even feel the concussions from waves breaking, and the air was thick with salt. That’s how I know the surf is good: Vibrations and salty air and also cars passing by with surfboards.

What’s up with all these SofTop WaveStorm deals these days? Electric cars with SofTops. That’s what I’m seeing.

Anyway, they used some of that hamburger for my sombrero and the rest of it for this damned tray I’m holding onto. They took some of my skull and turned it into the bowl of chips.

Like Spicoli: “Dude! That’s my skull!!!” Ouch.

Oh yeah, there’s many flavors of ouch! associated with this job. Remember all the different flavors of salsa they had at La Salsa? Like that, but ouch flavors. My feet. My back. 

So they used part of your skull for the bowl of chips. Swell. What else?

Well Daddy O was clever. He used real used tires to make my huaraches. And to change my complexion from Muffler Man anglo to Bandido Brown, Daddy O went to Old Town Pasadena and found a Mexican dude selling serapes. He used a paint swatch book to find that perfect brown and also got inspired by the serapes and draped me in one.

Huarache sandals, too! They should turn you into a surfer.

I’d like that. Turn me into a surfer and let me face the ocean.

Well change is in the wind. What’s happening is there is a debate about what to do with your space here.

Makes sense. Every inch of Malibu is worth its weight in Unobtanium. This half acre around me is valuable and it’s just been sitting here under my feet accomplishing nothing and earning nothing.

Let me see: La Salsa closed in February of 2015. Time flies.

You have no idea.

So they might turn this space into something and that might not include you.

Great, something else to worry about.

I don’t like the word “iconic” but that’s what you are to Malibu. Let’s say they raze this building and put in another $3000-a-room budget hotel or pot dispensary or 25,000 square foot mega mansion or something. Where would you like to go?

Wow, there’s a question I’ve only been chewing on for a couple of decades. Anywhere? 

Well in Malibu for starters.

I’d go on top of Howdy’s. We’re tight. “Reunited and it feels so good…” But if not that, how about on the hill overlooking Surfrider? First Point up to Third. Watch dudes connect.

They’re building new bathrooms at First Point. Maybe up there?

Yeah sure. Put surf cameras in my eyes. Turn me into a solar water heater and storage tank. I don’t care. I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my days watching Malibu, seeing Sarlo shred turns, Laird shoot the pier and whatshisname burn kids. Could you put in a good word for me?

Skylar is head of the Planning Commission now, so you have allies.

Skylar is head of the Planning Commission? Skylar Peak? That guy??!!?!?! I could tell you a few things about him, boy howdy. He’s a rascal.

I got a quote from Skylar. He said: “It’s got the right zoning, they are looking into making it a motel. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow night  (Monday 7-17-2023). That’s pretty much it. The town is changing a little bit with how people are monetizing their commercial properties. People have a right to develop their property within the zoning - we just have to apply the city codes fairly to each project fairly. That’s the crux of this stuff. I worked for the management company about a year ago so I might have to recuse myself from the decision.”

Well one thing that hasn’t changed much in Malibu over 60 years is the number of hotel and motel rooms. Malibu gets like 17,000,000 visitors a year and has how many hotel rooms? A hundred? Less?

Another transition coming?

So if the earth moves, under my feet, I wonder if they will keep me. Dress me up as a bellboy or a room maid or something.

The horror, the horror.