Ben Marcus Rules

BLACK SCREEN

MUSIC
To set the mood: A song about smashing and grabbing.
Police and Thieves by the Clash maybe, or there must be some gangsta rap about smashing and grabbing. Or how about Shanty Town by Desmond Dekker or The Specials? Desmond Dekker rules.
He worked well at the end of Drugstore Cowboy.

DESMOND DEKKER
0-0-7 0-0-7 At Ocean 11
And now rude boys have go wail
Cause them out of jail Rude boys cannot fail
'Cause them must get bail
Dem a loot, dem a shoot, dem a wail
A Shanty Town
Dem a loot, dem a shoot, dem a wail
A Shanty Town

FADE IN

INT. A BLACK SUV - DAY

FOUR SMASH AND GRABBERS (S&G) are bickering. The leader is like Papa Doc/Clarence in 8 Mile. A “rapposer” who so wants to be street gangsta but the polish and education betray him - and his obsession with proper grammar. The other three Smash and Grabbers are like the Droogs in Clockwork Orange - not too bright, violent, easily led - named for the Three Stooges: Moe, Curly, Simp.

S&G ONE = CLARENCE
Y’all ready?

S&G TWO = MOE (Don Cheadle-ish)
Ready for whatever.

CLARENCE
What time you got?

S & G THREE = CURLY
Pacific Daylight Time.

CLARENCE
Smartass. What hour?

S & G FOUR = MOE
Where your phone at?

CLARENCE
Yo Barack Ebonics.
What I tell about ending a sentence with a preposition? 
It is proper spelling and grammar
that distinguishes us from the Mongo races.

MOE
Oh sorry man my bad:
Where your smartphone at… mothafuckah?

All three of the Droogs laugh stupidly at this.

CLARENCE

Got jacked last night. At Cory B’s.

S&G  THREE = CURLY
No shit? At Cory's? Thieves suck. 
Islam got one thing right. Off with their hands!!!

MOE 
Let's go snag you a new timepiece. Whachu fancy?

CLARENCE
Man I’ll take an Omega James Bond if they on sale.
That shit’s dope. The black Oh Oh Seven! That me!

MOE
Everything on sale today, Holmes.

S&G  FOUR = SIMP
The clock on my phone says ten o’clock.
Malibu open for business.Time to get some.

Clarence throws masks and tools
to his Droogs, then throws some MC Hammer moves and sounds.

CLARENCE
Hammer time, oh my brothers!

SIMP

Implements of destruction!

CURLY
Bang! Bang! Curly’s silver hammer
came down upside your head!

MOE
I wanna be! Your sledgehammer!

The Masks are inspired by Point Break. They could be The Jackson Four, all Michael Jackson, four famous rappers, Obama + Kamala + Clarence Thomas + Condoleezza Rice, the Supremes, the Four Stooges = something visual and sophisto and funny.

MOE
Masks? Covid over man.
Governor done said so!
 

Engine off, music off, they pile out of the car kinda like the start of Entourage. Or Point Break.

CUT TO
EXT. MR GREEN’S HIGH TECH 100% NO CARBON HOUSE - DAY

MR. GREEN is a healthy, wealthy and wiseass 20 to 30-something “Millenniallionaire” who lives in a thoroughly modern, ultra-high-tech, expensive, Zero Carbon renewable house. A wide shot shows the whole single-story house bristling with solar panels and maybe a wind turbine, then zooms through a window into a spotless, spacious kitchen. Mr. Green sets down a Financial Times, finishes a cuppa and walks from the kitchen to a clean-house-quality warehouse with 21st Century vehicles lined up and charging. Like Jay’s Garage, but all electric: Cars, motorcycles, golf carts, bicycles. A forest of pipes lead from the cars to the solar panels on the roof.

MR. GREEN
Hi, girls.

CUT TO

Some of the cars chirp and flash in response to his voice - this dude is TECH - the real world version of Tony Stark. Mr. Green keys his smartphone, and approaches a CYBRTRCK that chirps happily like R2D2 and the mirrors adjust and whatever else a CYBRTRCK does when an owner approaches.

MR. GREEN
Clever girl.

CUT TO

EXT. OUTSIDE OF MR GREEN’S WAREHOUSE

The CYBRTRCK slips into daylight, down a squeaky-clean driveway, past a groomed garden and through a security gate that magically swings open. This CYBRTRCK has a window sticker showing Calvin peeing on a gas pump and a personalized license plate that reads GWA = Greenie With Attitude. The CYBRTRCK rolls down to PCH and turns left/east.

The shot could rise up to show Point Dume in the distance, as seen from the west, over Broad Beach and Zuma Beach. Point Dume is the next destination.

CUT TO

INT. A FANCY HOUSE IN MALIBU SOMEWHERE - DAY

A MALIBU MOTHER is sitting in another very nice, Older School, clean kitchen. She is wearing a Happy Birthday hat and looks a little bleary, like she's been partying all night. She has a card in her hand. She whistles the tune to Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend. She whistles louder and a poodle comes running.

MALIBU MOM

Going shopping Andy! Treats for mom!
Gift certificate to Relojes y Joyas!!

She takes a sip of champagne and fans Andy with the gift certificate then they exeunt.

CUT TO

EXT. - OUTSIDE OF A FANCY MALIBU HOUSE 

The Malibu Mom is behind the wheel of a large convertible automobile: A Rolls Royce - or is it a Bentley?  Like Mr. Green she also drives out of a groomed driveway past a fine-trimmed lawn, through a security gate that opens magically and then heads east on PCH. Her license plate - in a tribute to Lauren Marie Pena - reads MLBUGIE

(Which veteran Malibu actress might be keen to play Malibu Mom: Goldie Hawn? Betty Thomas? Fran Drescher? Amy Madigan? Jane Seymour? Jane Leeves? Juliette Lewis? My neighbor Patsy Palmer?)

Actually Paris Hilton would be perfect for this. She’s been the victim of robberies in the past, she might have anger bubbling under that glamorous exterior (maybe a life-flashing-before-her-eyes montage of angry memories?), she loves diamonds and she’s got some spirit. And she also was traumatized by the loss of a pet. See below.

CUT TO

EXT. RELOJES Y JOYAS - DAY

Establishing shot of a fancy but fictional luxury jewelry store called Relojes y Joyas (Watches and Jewels). 

Outside, the Four S&G are nervously putting on masks, then Clarence - a bit pretentiously - holds up a clenched fist in the military hand signal for “STOP!” He reaches to open the door mannerly and politely like a gangsta Eddie Haskell. The Malibu Mom walks through, hiding her purchase reflexively. 

MALIBU MOM
Thank you. It’s manners that distinguish us.

CLARENCE
Yes ma’am. My momma done raised me right.

The S&G wait for Malibu Mom to clear the area.

WHAT MASKS ARE THE FOUR HOODLUMS WEARING?

The Malibu Mom walks past the four hoodlums smiling like Haskell Cats about to eat the canary. They let her pass, then like Point Break, they pull out masks - The Three Stooges plus? The Jackson Four? N.W.A? Obama + Muhammad Ali + Prince + James Brown?

Four Buckwheats? The Marx Brothers?

They put the masks on and enter the store single file, with aggressive precision, like a Special Forces team.

CUT TO

EXT. A PARKING LOT IN MALIBU

The Malibu Mom is in her car, with the motor idling, admiring her gift certificate purchase. She holds it up to the sun and it sparkles.

MALIBU MOM (knows her Popeye shtick)
What a rock to hock!

Andy the Poodle leaps suddenly from the back seat to check out the glittering jewel.

MALIBU MOM
Do you love it?

The poodle barks an affirmative.

MALIBU MOM
No this one is not for you, Andy Poodle.
Treats for mom. Maybe for your birthday.

The poodle jumps around and spins around excitedly. The Malibu Mom pays the pooch some attention but turns her attention toward Relojes y Joyas and catches a glimpse of the four hoodlums entering - wearing masks.

She frowns, turns off the engine and waits. The poodle senses something is off and barks and looks in the same direction as Malibu Mom.

Something is bubbling and The Malibu Mom don't like it: She’s been a few places and has a sense of humor (or maybe she’s English).

She holds up the poodle and looks it in the eye and then says:

MALIBU MOM (cockney accent)
What’s all this, then?

CUT TO

INT. RELOJES Y JOYAS - DAY

First there is a Security Camera angle of the hoodlums wearing comical masks invading and raiding the store. Without so much as a “How do you do?” they get to it and start smashing and grabbing horizontal and vertical showcases - grabbing watches and jewels.

CUT TO

EXT. THE MALIBU MOM IN HER CAR - DAY

The Malibu Mom is no dummy. She watches the news and knows something’s up. Petting and cuddling the poodle without taking her eyes off the front of the store, she waits and watches, maybe listening for an alarm bell. There is none.

Andy the Poodle is now as fixated on the front of the store as Malibu Mom.

CUT TO

INT. RELOJES Y JOYAS

Inside the store is semi-violent chaos. The Hoodlums are smashing and grabbing at will, and no one is stopping them. A SECURITY GUARD has his smartphone out and is videoing the robbery, as are EMPLOYEES and OTHER CUSTOMERS. Everyone is videoing but no one is taking action - because they are afraid of getting shot or assaulted or worse - sued. So they video.

Like Alex singing and dancing to Singing in the Rain in Clockwork Orange, Clarence sings Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend as he smashes and grabs.

CLARENCE
A kiss (SMASH!) on the hand (GRAB!)
May be quite continental (SMASH!)

ALL FOUR HOODLUMS IN CHORUS
But diamonds (GRAB!) are a G's best friend!!!(SMASH)

The Security Guard and customers and employees don’t know what to do. They are standing very close to all the smashing and grabbing, but no one tries to stop them.

CLARENCE
Don’t y’all try nothing stupid.
This shit’s all insured but you aint’!

CURLY
Got me a diamond engagement ring. 
Now I just gotta find some pussy deserves it.

Simp holds up an extremely expensive Omega watch and shows it to Clarence.

SIMP (Cheech and Chong homage)
Hey man you wanna buy a watch?
I know y’all ain’t got no watch cuz if y’all had a watch,
you’d know it was time to get the fuck outta here!

Clarence takes the watch and puts it on and admires it like Malibu Mom checking out her jewels.

CLARENCE
The name is J’wan. J’wan Bond.
The black Oh Oh Seven!

MOE
That’s it! Time up! We done! We out!

CUT TO

EXT. THE MALIBU MOM’S CAR - DAY

Like a tank commander buttoning up for battle, the Malibu Mom is putting up the top on her convertible. She is expecting something. The top comes over and connects with a solid British click as she eagle-eyes the front of the jewelry store.

Andy the Poodle senses something is up and takes a defensive position.

CUT TO

INT. A SECURITY CAMERA INSIDE THE JEWELRY STORE

The Security Camera shows the Four Hoodlums running out of the store, as the Security Guard and Customers follow them with smartphones recording their every move.

They bunch up against a door that opens in - like the Three Stooges - and Clarence orders them to “Spread out!”

CLARENCE
Spread out!

We’ve all seen this many times before and wonder what would we do in the circumstance: Stand back or take action?

CUT TO

INT. TO EXT A MONTAGE OF SMARTPHONE IMAGES - DAY

There is a montage of security camera and smartphone angles of The Four Hoodlums running out of the store and scattering together toward their getaway car.

And then someone takes the action many of us want to take - all of a sudden The Malibu Mom’s Rolls Royce/Bentley comes flying into the frame and runs directly into as many of the Hoodlums as she can get. We see this from many different smartphone angles and then in real time. There is a sickening THUD as the Rolls/Bentley hits Curly and Moe and they cartwheel through the air. (Saw this very thing outside of The Cliff Diver on PCH in September of 2019. The 76-year-old man went flying and cartwheeling through the air.)

CUT TO

INT. INSIDE THE ROLLS/BENTLEY WITH MALIBU MOM

Backward in time a little: Malibu Mom’s Spidey Sense proved right. She sees the Four Hoodlums run out of the store wearing masks. Then she sees red, shouts a warning to Andy the Poodle to hold on, and fires up her 12-cylinder Bentley/Rolls with a mighty roar.

MALIBU MOM
Not in my quiet little seaside community, fother muckers!!!

CUT TO

EXT. OUTSIDE OF RELOJES Y HOYAS

The Security Guard and Customers and all onlookers cheer as - with great vengeance and furious anger - The Malibu Mom’s Rolls Royce/Bentley plows through the Four Hoodlums and sends Moe and Curly flying.

Moe crashes through the windshield of their black SUV escape vehicle. Curly is on the ground in front of the car and not moving.

SECURITY GUARD (must be former military)
GET SOME ! YEAH!!!!!

ONLOOKER
Is that a Rolls or a Bentley?

ONLOOKER
Well it rolled over those guys and bent
two of them not gently, so I don’t know.

Clarence and Simp pull up short, have a quick conversation and then run in the opposite direction, away from The Malibu Mom who is doing a fast, squealing U Turn to go back and get some more.

SECURITY GUARD
Get some more, crazy Bentley Bitch!

ONLOOKER
I think that’s a Rolls Royce.

CUT TO

INT. THE ROLLS OR THE BENTLEY OR WHATEVER

The Malibu Mom is crazed, smelling blood and having a time. What she is doing is assault and illegal and will probably get her sued and/or arrested, but she is seeing red (pink?) and doesn’t care. And she’s rich and - not for the last time - we see that Malibu rich people feel immune from mortal laws.

She says to Andy the Poodle, who barks with agreement.

MALIBU MOM
No such thing as petty theft. I HATE THIEVES!!!

As she drives past Moe writhing in the windshield of the car and Curly immobile on the ground, she shrieks at them.

MALIBU MOM
Smashing and grabbing in my town?!?!?!?
You just got SMASHED! How does that GRAB you?!?!?!

Andy Poodle is up in the window barking at the bad guys who got what they deserved. Suckers. The Malibu Mom speeds through the parking lot like an A10 pilot chasing bad guys. With Andy the Poodle as a spotter, she sees Clarence and Simp running for their lives.

CLARENCE
Run away!

CUT TO

EXT. BETWEEN RELOJES Y JOYAS AND STARSTRUCKS

Clarence and Simp crash through a bush and see a Starstrucks. They run in that direction, scattering people attracted toward the squealing, shouting, crashing and commotion.

CUT TO

INT. STARSTRUCKS AT CROSS CREEK - DAY

Mr. Green is at the counter, flirting with a YOUNG, CUTE BARISTA.

BARISTA
What can I start for you?

MR. GREEN
Drinks and dinner? My place?
That’s a good start.

Cute Barista smiles and fouls it off. There are people in line.

BARISTA
We are busy today sir and
have no time for your tomfoolery.

MR. GREEN

Don’t call me sir, I work for a living.
Well actually I retired at 28, but whatever.

The Barista raises an eyebrow, which sends a message “Quit jerking around and order!”

MR GREEN
Matcha tea latte, s’il vous plait.


BARISTA
Oui monsieur... Mr. Green is it?

MR. GREEN
That’s the name they gave me. What's yours?

She points at her nametag = Syrah.

MR. GREEN

Syrah. What does that mean?

The Barista shrugs, smiles and lays down a Butch line.

BARISTA

I’m American, sir, our names don’t mean anything.

Mr. Green pats himself, looking for his wallet.

MR. GREEN

Hey I forgot my wallet, can I pay with my vibe?

BARISTA

No sir, we take cash and cards. Apple Pay.
Do you have a Starbucks account with us, sir?

MR. GREEN

What? You don’t have Pay By Vibe here?
They have it in Palo Alto but that’s Nor Cal. 
They’re ahead of the game anyway. Whatever.

Mr. Green is paying for his drink when Clarence and Simp crash into Starstrucks, wearing masks, shattering the peace and quiet. Clarence has a gun out and wastes no time.

CLARENCE
Your lattes or your life!

Some patrons and baristas laugh at that, then Clarence switches from Rodney Dangerfield to Danger Gangster.

CLARENCE
Okay everybody be chill, this isn’t a robbery.
We just need a vehicle. 
Give us the keys and we’ll be out your way and on ours.

Most of the patrons and baristas are ducking and squealing and getting out of the way. Mr. Green doesn’t flinch. 

CLARENCE
What’s up? You got squabbles?

MR. GREEN

Is this for real? Or for TikTok?

Clarence looks pissed and pops a cap into the ceiling. Handguns are LOUD! The Baristas and customers all duck, but Mr. Green doesn’t flinch.

CLARENCE

That’s what I THOUGHT!

MR. GREEN
Wow that thing is LOUD.
No problems. Just don’t want anyone getting hurt.

CLARENCE
Just give us your keys and we’ll be on our way.

MR. GREEN
Keys?!?!? Ever driven an electric car?

SIMP
Naw, they too hard to boost.
Got all that security and cameras and shit.

MR. GREEN

Well this is the fob to my Tesla.

CLARENCE

What you got? S? 3? X? Y?
Plaid? Plaid is bad. The new Roadster?!??

MR. GREEN

No Roadster yet but I’m on the list. The truck.

SIMP

Y’all got a CYBRTRCK?
That’s dope! We takin’ it.

CLARENCE
Where this CYBRTRCK at?

MR. GREEN

Well you should know better than to end a sentence
with a preposition.
Proper spelling and grammar distinguish us.

SIMP
Hey man, he testing you!

Clarence knows the punchline and plays along.

CLARENCE

Oh you testing me?!?.
Where the truck at, mothafuckah?

The people who laughed at “Lattes or your life” giggle at that too.

MR. GREEN

Across the street. Can’t miss it.
Big Calvin sticker on the back. Tweet with the fob.

Simp swipes the Tesla fob, but Clarence swipes the fob from Simp.

CLARENCE
Mahalo for your kokua.

MR. GREEN
Good luck. There’s only three ways out of Malibu
and none are any good.

CLARENCE
What you ain’t got cloaking?

MR. GREEN

No that was optional. It’s got FSD though.
 Just leave her wherever. I’ll find her.

CLARENCE
Her? Who her?

MR. GREEN
The truck.

CLARENCE
What? Tesla got pronouns now?
Fuck this 21st Century!

MR. GREEN
All my vehicles identify as female.

The same people who laughed at “lattes or your life” and “where the truck at, mothafuckah?” also laugh at this.

SIMP
How many vehicles you got?

This stops Mr. Green. He looks in the air, he’s thinking, he’s counting on his fingers, moving his lips. Looks to Syrah for help. She shrugs. He shakes his head. Too many to count. This irritates Clarence and Simp.

SIMP
You whack. Rich Millennial crypto bitch. 

CLARENCE
Don’t get smart. We smarter and we OUT!

CUSTOMER

Very funny. Come on, this is great stuff.
What’s your page?

Clarence looks at the customer, gets angry, and pops another cap into the roof of the Starbucks. The customer and everyone else scream and duck. Syrah the Barista disappears even farther behind the bar.

CLARENCE

Hash tag: Fuck this 21st Century!

Clarence and Simp exeunt from Starstrucks, threatening patrons and baristas as they go. Safe and sound, some of the patrons applaud like passengers on a commercial flight landing safely.

Mr Green was insulted - not by “bitch,” but the suggestion he would invest in Crypto. He addresses the crowd.

MR GREEN

Hey, that guy is whack. I didn't invest a dime in Crypto. 
I bought Tesla and Uber at the IPO. Crypto is tulips.
It’s a Millennial chain letter. Don’t do it.

Applause and nods of approval from the crowd. Mr. Green looks around for Syrah the Barista.

MR GREEN

Clear! Come out, come out wherever you at!

Syrah raises herself up to find Mr. Green smiling at her. 

BARISTA
Shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

MR. GREEN
Are you prepositioning me?

Syrah the Barista blushes. He waggles his smartphone at her.

MR. GREEN

Syrah is a kind of grape.
It also means “high maintenance” in Arabic.

SYRAH
Really?

MR. GREEN
No. Well the grape part is true.

Syrah smiles and maybe moves a little closer to Mr. Green, who holds up his phone.

MR. GREEN
Criminals are criminals because they are
hashtag ducking fuuuummmmb. 
Come and check out the future.

Syrah the Barista whips off her Starstrucks smock and walks outside with Mr. Green, as others join them.

CUT TO

EXT. OUTSIDE OF STARSTRUCKS - DAY

Clarence and Simp exit Starstrucks and look both ways for The Malibu Mom, who is nowhere to be seen. 

SIMP

Where that crazy Bentley Bitch at?

Simp pauses for a moment knowing he has made a grammatical faux pas. He corrects before Clarence can correct him.

SIMP

Where that Bentley Bitch at, mothafuckah!?

CLARENCE (slipping)

That was a Rolls Royce.

SIMP

Whatever Rolls Royce, maybe she at the car wash
washing off the blood of our blood brothers. Let’s roll!

They run across Cross Creek Road toward the only CYBRTRCK in view. Clarence tweets the Tesla fob and gets a response.

CUT TO

INT. - A TESLA CYBRTRCK - DAY

From inside the CYBRTRCK, Clarence and Simp run up and are a little shocked when the truck chirps like R2D2, the doors unlock automatically, the mirrors adjust as if it was Mr. Green approaching. They jump in and admire the interior of a thoroughly modern 21st Century electric truck.

SIMP
Hey man this thing dope!

Music comes on automatically which the Hoodlums react to either with appreciation or disgust. Maybe it’s The Doors.

JIM MORRISON
Keep your eyes on the road
and your hands upon the wheel!

CLARENCE

Turn that old school shit off!
Put on some music!

SIMP

What about Moe and Curly?

CLARENCE
They done. Cops will be here any minute.

SIMP

Never leave a man behind!

CLARENCE
You wanna stay with them?
Hold their hand en route to Twin Towers?
I ain’t going back to jail. The food sucks.

SIMP
We got the goodies in the bag! Roll this thing!
Is it on? Can’t hear or feel nothing.

Jim Morrison is still singing: “Let it roll, baby roll. Let it roll baby roll!” Simp tries to change the music but still gets The Doors, and an ominous message.

JIM MORRISON
This is the end, my only friend the end.

CLARENCE
Turn that shit off!

SIMP
I can’t figure this shit out!
It’s like driving an I Phone!

The CYBRTRCK is on and running. As Simp fumbles with the touch screen, Clarence backs it out of the space too fast and almost crashes.

(Maybe Simp says “Hey here’s some Ludacris! But he puts the car in Ludicrous Mode which makes it faster.)

Clarence recovers and points the CYBRTRCK south on Cross Creek and punches it. Clarence and Simp get their heads snapped back and react to their first taste of electric acceleration.

SIMP (White Lines line)
Oooo that’s raaaawwww!

CLARENCE (Will Smith line)
I gotta get me onea these!

CUT TO

EXT. OUTSIDE STARSTRUCKS ON CROSS CREEK

An aerial view showing the CYBRTRCK accelerating south on Cross Creek toward PCH. Outside Starstrucks, a crowd of people surround Mr. Green - cheering, giddy with anticipation.

CUT TO

EXT. OUTSIDE STARSTRUCKS - DAY

Mr. Green is looking like the cat who ate the canary, surrounded by Syrah the Cute Barista and other Baristas and customers and a growing crowd. Mr. Green holds up his smartphone and hits a few buttons and says:

MR. GREEN
I ain’t no sucka DJ.
Welcome to the 21st Century, homies.

CUT TO 

INT. - THE CYBRTRCK

The Hoodlums are still reacting to the speed of the CYBRTRCK and then it slows just as abruptly at the red light at the intersection of Cross Creek and PCH. Now they are jerked forward abruptly.

SIMP
What you afraid of man, breaking the law? 
We already done broke a buncha laws. Hit it!
This thing danger fast.

CLARENCE
I don’t care how fast this thing is.
Ain’t pulling out into PCH on a red light.
Which way?

SIMP
Left is city and traffic and cops!
Right is country. Go right!
Cops can’t chase us into Ventura County.
We can go to Manny’s in Oxnard.
Maybe he can chop this thing, I don’t know.
Manny ain’t too tech.

The light changes but the CYBRTRCK turns left.

SIMP
I said right, a’ight?

Clarence takes his hands off the wheel to show he isn’t in control.

SIMP
Hey man, keep your eyes on the road
and your hands upon the wheel. You heard that dude!

The CYBRTRCK turns left through the SHELL/HELL Station and into the parking lot at Malibu Village/Malibu Country Mart.

CLARENCE
I ain’t driving this thing.
Must have some FSD or some shit. Shit!

SIMPS

We gotta get outta here man! I hear cops!

CUT TO

EXT. OVER STARSTRUCKS AND THE PARKING LOT - DAY

An aerial shot shows the CYBRTRCK being steered around the parking lot by an unknown force. Sirens are coming and then vehicles from the Sheriff’s Department and Little Red come into view. They are all converging on the CYBRTRCK.

The CYBRTRCK passes through the parking lot and then in front of Starstrucks, where a crowd is cheering.

SIMP

They laughing at you and me, bruh.
We Malibu’s Most Taunted!

Mr. Green makes eye contact with Clarence and Simp - he is smiling, they are not. Mr. Green holds up his smartphone and waggles it at them and maybe even makes the L sign - (which he will later regret - see below). Syrah and the crowd cheer.

CUT TO

INT. THE CYBRTRCK - DAY

The CYBRTRCK has stopped in front of Starstrucks. Inside, Clarence and Simp are freaking out, afraid they are about to get busted or shot, pissed that Mr. Green and the crowd are laughing at them.

SIMP

Open the damned door!

CLARENCE
Cannot! Locked!
Shoot the window. You got the 9!
these windows ain’t bulletproof!
Saw it on Facebook. Do it now already!

SIMP
That’s cap.

CLARENCE
Pop a cap! ASAP!

Simp pulls out a handgun, aims it at the window with one hand and covers his eyes and/or his balls with the other hand.

SIMP
Fire in the hole!

Simp fires into the windshield or side window. Nothing. Not even a crack. Maybe the bullet ricochets off three windows and doesn’t crack any of them.

SIMP
Mothafucka! Them windows is bulletproof!

CLARENCE
I knew that was fake! This shit is dope!
Elon Musk is a PR genius!

SIMP
Oh shit, here come Deputy Dawgs.
Stash that gat!

CUT TO

EXT. OVER THE CYBRTRCK SURROUNDED BY SHERIFF'S CARS - DAY

An overview shows the CYBRTRCK stopped and surrounded by a Busby Berkeley of Sheriff Deputy's vehicles. This is a scene all too familiar to Los Angeles citizens - the cops are out in force, they all have guns drawn, they are barking orders at Curly and Simp in the car. 

The Hoodlums obey, come out with their hands up, kneel on the ground then go down face first.

Little Red comes into the scene followed by an ambulance, headed for the Smash and Grabbers who got Smashed by The Malibu Mom - is she still around or did she split?

The Busby Berkeley chaos of the scene blossoms into control as we watch it from the God’s Eye View. The Hoodlums are searched and handcuffed as the crowd cheers.

CUT TO

EXT. OUTSIDE STARSTRUCKS - DAY

Curly and Simp are now handcuffed and being led into an LACO SUV by some burly Deputies. Mr. Green is talking to one of the Deputies. The Deputy understands and holds up the CYBRTRCK fob, which they would have found when they searched the Hoodlums.

Mr. Green throws the fob up in the air and smiles at Syrah the Cute Barista, who smiles back and shrugs. The Hoodlums are all giving Mr. Green stinkeye but he don’t pay them no nevermind - they will have their revenge, or attempt it.

The CYBRTRCK chirps and the mirrors adjust and he drives away.

MR GREEN
Clever girl.

CUT TO

EXT. TWO DEPUTIES INTERVIEWING MALIBU MOM

And the Oscar for Best Performance by a Female Vigilante in a Rolls or Bentley goes to…

A MALE AND FEMALE DEPUTY are interviewing Malibu Mom about the incident. She is holding Andy and telling them everything but the truth.

MALIBU MOM
Those two boys, are they okay?
I didn’t see them and…

MALE DEPUTY
What happened ma’am?

MALIBU MOM

Well I came out from the jewelry store
and I was looking at my necklace which is… well, look!

She shows off a spectacular diamond necklace like you might see as a loaner at the Oscars.

FEMALE DEPUTY (knows her Popeye too)

What a rock to hock!

The female Deputy and Malibu Mom smile at each other.

MALIBU MOM

So I might have been distracted by this piece
and Andy my poodle was jumping around..

On cue, Andy the Poodle wins Best Supporting Canine. He lets out a frightened little yip and tries to hide in Malibu Mom’s arms.

MALIBU MOM
They frightened Andy and and I didn’t see them
and the next thing there was this horrible sound.

Malibu Mom breaks down a bit and starts to cry. She is some actress. Andy the Poodle tries to comfort her.

MALE DEPUTY
Well you hit two of them and
they’re pretty busted up, but I think they’ll live.

MALIBU MOM
Oh thank goodness. That was such a terrible noise.
THUD!!! THUD!!!!

The cops are buying it. Malibu Mom sneaks a glance where two members of Station 00 are working on two guys on the ground - her victims.

She notices one of the paramedics is very tall, dark and strikingly, JimmyG handsome. She smiles at him to see if she’ll get a smile in return, but the man is focused on his patients.

CUT TO

EXT. WITH TWO WOUNDED HOODLUMS, IN THE PARKING LOT

Cooper and Munoz are working on Curly and Simp, watched over by Deputies with guns drawn. These guys are crooks but Cooper tries to be nice - kinda like Ned Pepper being civil to Mattie in True Grit.

COOPER
Where does it hurt?

SIMP

Where don’t it?
Fuckin’ rich bitch ran me over.
Imma sue her.

COOPER
You’re all messed up, sir.
We are gonna put you on the gurney.

SIMP
Yeah whatever, man. This sucks. We done.
We going to the hospital and then we going to jail.
I don’t like jail. Food sucks.

CURLY
Been there, done that.
Stupid ass white woman.
Why she do that?

MUNOZ
What happened?

SIMP
We did some shopping and we was leaving
and this woman runs us down in a Bentley.

CURLY
Naw man, that was a Rolls Royce.

SIMP
Whatever man, she gassed it and ran over me
and my homeboy here.
We went flying like we got hit by
Aaron Donald or some shit.

COOPER

Okay we’re gonna get you to the hospital
but no nonsense, okay?

MUNOZ
You got cops with guns on you right now
and this is Malibu, so…

CURLY
Whitest place on earth. 
They gonna get all George Floyd
on our ass if we ain’t cool.

COOPER
You betcha, so stay cool
and we’ll get you taken care of.

CUT TO

EXT. OVER STARSTRUCKS AND LITTLE RED AND THE AMBULANCE

From overhead, Cooper and Munoz load the two Hoodlums onto a gurney, helped by TWO AMBULANCE GUYS watched carefully by Deputies with guns drawn. They roll the two injured hoodlums into the ambulance and then allow TWO DEPUTIES to ride inside, then close the doors.

Cooper is at the driver’s door of Little Red. Is he being presumptuous? Assuming control? New Guy’s the driver?

Psyche! He’s being rascal polite. He holds the door and sweeps his arm for Munoz to take the driver’s seat. She slips into Ebonics, but smiles.

MUNOZ (President Camacho line)
That’s what I thought!

With no arguing over who’s driving, Munoz and Cooper climb into Little Red and they all leave the parking lot in a caravan of Sheriff’s Deputies and the ambulance and Little Red - as everyone watching cheers this act of vigilante justice.

CUT TO

EXT. A MINIVAN HEADED EAST ON PCH WITH KIDS

A YOUNG BOY AND GIRL are strapped into the back seat of a minivan headed east in the slow lane on Pacific Coast Highway. Their attention turns to Little Red passing by in the faster lane. The kids wave and smile and pump their fists in the air.

They wait and then smile and cheer as Cooper hits the lights and siren, which they shoulda done anyway.

CUT TO

INT. LITTLE RED ON PCH HEADED EAST - DAY
Munoz is driving, Cooper is in the passenger’s seat, doing the Montana nose-flick at the smiling kids, still checking out all the houses and traffic flashing along PCH and catching glimpses of the ocean.

COOPER
Squad always follows  the ambulance?

MUNOZ
BLS no. Advanced Life Support yes.
Everything’s okay until it isn’t.
Don’t want anyone dying on the way to the hospital.

COOPER
Affirmative. Same in Montana. Stuff happens.

MUNOZ
As we say back in the ‘hood: “Fuck around and find out.”

Cooper nods in agreement.

COOPER
Little frontier justice today.
I’m not supposed to like it, but I kinda like it.

MUNOZ
Front bumper justice. Thieves suck.
And it’s creeping into the Malibu.
They even vandalized Little Red
if you can believe that sh…

COOPER

Off with their hands!

MUNOZ

You got that right.

COOPER
She coulda killed those guys.
Surprised she didn’t.

MUNOZ
People here have money
and they think they can get away with murder.
Sometimes they do.

COOPER
So you’re not from here originally?

MUNOZ
Oh hellz no!
I grew up close to here but far far away
in more ways than one. I’m straight outta Inglewood.
It’s maybe 20 miles from here but a whole different universe.
We would come here to the beach when I was a girl
but this was always the Emerald City to me.
Now I’m here saving the bacon of rich folks.

COOPER
Oh so you’re one of them diversity hires.
Heard about that.

Munoz punches Cooper in the arm.

MUNOZ
Pump the brakes there, cowboy.
You can take the girl out of the hood…

CUT TO

EXT. ALONG PCH HEADED EAST

An aerial shot looking east and panning up toward Inglewood and LAX and the Big City as Little Red follows the ambulance toward Santa Monica escorted by Sheriff vehicles.

CUT TO

INT. IN THE CYBRTRCK - DAY

Mr. Green is smiling quietly to himself. He just had a gun in his face and his $100,000 truck stolen by hoodlums, but he’s a modern man and one of those people who is money-immune, so it’s funny to him. He looks at this phone.

MR. GREEN
I got your name, and I got your number, Syrah Barista Girl.
Eight six seven five three oh nine!

The CYBRTRCK reacts and makes a farting noise or Lurch groaning noise or some noise of disapproval.

MR. GREEN

Oh now don’t be jealous, darling.
Nothing compares to you.

The CYBRTRCK makes a happy chirp as it speeds down PCH, headed home.

CUT TO
INT. MALIBU MOM’S ROLLS OR BENTLEY OR WHATEVER IT IS - DAY

Malibu Mom is giddy with the adrenaline of running over two Smash and Grabbers and talking her way out of it. And also the diamond she picked up at Relojes y Joyas. She is giddily singing show tunes to her beloved poodle, substituting “Andy” for “Adelaide.”

MALIBU MOM

Andy! Andy!
And I think of the way I tried!
Andy! I could honestly die.
Sue me, sue me. Shoot bullets through me
I love you!

Andy the Poodle is looking at Malibu Mom sideways, because she is acting a little cuckoo. Malibu Mom explains.

MALIBU MOM

Adrenaline is a funny drug.

CUT TO

So that’s the teaser for Episode Two, probably offensive to some people but it’s impossible to do anything these days that doesn’t offend someone.

Episode Two introduces Clarence, Simp, Curly and Moe as they are being taken to the hospital and/or jail.

There will be a lot of water under the bridge as the show progresses, and a lot of potential fire starters, from a red tailed hawk to Lady Gaga.

But only a couple of months later - just before Halloween - all four of the Hoodlums are let out of jail. And even they are shocked: “We smashed a jewelry store, pulled guns in a Starbucks and jacked a CYBRTRCK and they’re letting us OUT?!!?! We criminals. That’s crazy man. What is wrong with the California criminal justice system!”

Definitely use Shanty Town by Desmond Dekker when they’re getting out. “Cause them out of jail Rude boys cannot fail 'Cause them must get bail”

They get out and then they plot their revenge on Malibu Mom and Mr. Green. Their revenge involves torching Mr. Green’s house and collection of extremely flammable, extremely valuable electric cars, and Malibu Mom’s Rolls or Bentley and maybe her house.

Are these the guys who start the firestorm that ends the show?

THE COYOTE AND COUGAR SCENE

Later on in Episode 2 - on the afternoon of the Smash and Grab - Captain Peabody rides shotgun as Cooper drives Little Red to a brush inspection to a stately home in Point Dume.

Munoz growls at bit as they drive away from Station 00 - Cooper at the wheel.

EXT. MALIBU MOM’S GARDEN

Malibu Mom is in her manicured garden, dressed lavishly in fine robes and dancing around with her new diamonds, like T.E. Lawrence in the robes of a Beni Wejh sharif in Lawrence of Arabia. Andy the Poodle is there by her side.

The montage ends when Cooper and Captain Peabody are led back to the garden by ONE OF MALIBU MOM’S PEOPLE. They approach but she is oblivious to two men watching her. Andy the Poodle barks a warning and breaks her reverie, but she’s not embarrassed. Captain Peabody knows her and knows everything and knows she knows her Hollywood shtick.

CAPTAIN PEABODY
What are you doing, Englishwoman?

MALIBU MOM

As you see.

Malibu Mom stops dancing around and approaches Captain Peabody and Cooper.

MALIBU MOM

Mr. Peabody! And this is… Sherman?


COOPER
Cooper, ma’am.


MALIBU MOM
Cooper ma’am?
Who am I? The queen?
Don’t call me ma’am. I work for a living.
Well, not really but…


CAPTAIN PEABODY
Sir and ma’am are his pronouns.
Just Cooper so far. We can’t get much out of him.
He is… how would you say…


MALIBU MOM

A tall drink of water, I’d say.  Oh hey, we’ve met!


COOPER

Have we?


MALIBU MOM

This morning!
That was you patching up the boyz from the ‘hood.


COOPER

Wait, that was you??!?!?!


CAPTAIN PEABODY

You who?


COOPER

She took out the Smash and Grabbers.

CAPTAIN PEABODY
That was you?!?? You rascal! I shoulda known.


MALIBU MOM

I only got two of them. I’ll manage it better next time.

Cooper and Captain Peabody laugh, unprofessionally.

MALIBU MOM

The sun got in my eyes. I was blinded by the light.
I was dazzled by my jewels. I saw a UFO….

CAPTAIN PEABODY
Wow, what got into you?
You coulda killed those guys.

MALIBU MOM
I don’t know. Anger I guess. 
I just saw red and went all Will Smith. Suge Knight.
I don’t like thieves. I’ve been getting ripped off my whole life.
Husbands. Children. Family. Agents. Attorneys. Lovers. The IRS.

COOPER
Yeah we’re not too keen on thieves where I come from.
Not too long ago we were hanging horse thieves.

MALIBU MOM
Where is this place, where people of
abnormal height have manners?

COOPER

Malibu, ma…

MALIBU MOM

Oh Montana! I love Montana! What part?

COOPER
All of me.

That gets an embarassed chuckle from Captain Peabody and a polite chuckle from Malibu Mom who continues to explain the source of her anger re: thieves.

MALIBU MOM
Thieves pretended to be saving my house during Woolsey
but they looted it. I was in Gstaad and when I came back I was missing precious things. That was EVIL to do that.
Theft is EVIL and I swore if I ever caught thieves in the act…


CAPTAIN PEABODY
Remind me not to anger you.


MALIBU MOM

Well just don’t let my house burn and we’ll be right as rain.

To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?


CAPTAIN PEABODY 

Brush inspection. The usual. 

Andy the Poodle interrupt as he runs up and sniffs Captain Peabody and Cooper. Andy barks and it’s a bark of alarm.

COOPER

He probably smells Ike.


MALIBU MOM

Who’s Ike?

With those words A COYOTE streaks out of the brush, grabs Andy the Poodle by the collar and runs off. It happens very very fast. So fast no one can believe their eyes for a minute. Andy yelps and continues to yelp off camera. A sad, desperate sound: HELP ME!!!!

COOPER

What the fr…


MALIBU MOM

Oh my GOD! Andy! Oh my God!
A coyote’s got him!!!! Help him!!!!


CAPTAIN PEABODY

Middle of the day, with all of us standing…


MALIBU MOM 

Help him!!! ANDY!

With that, Cooper puts his fingers in his mouth and lets loose with an ear-splitting whistle. Within seconds, Ike appears and runs directly to Cooper.

Kind of like how Cliff Booth communicates with Brandy in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, Ike is looking at Cooper, waiting for orders. Cooper makes a TCH! noise with his mouth and dips his head in the direction of the yipping and yelping and that’s all: Ike is GONE. Gets a whiff of Malibu Mom and goes running in the scent path of the coyote and Andy the Poodle - who reeks of Malibu Mom’s perfume.

Malibu Mom is losing her mind and starts to run after Ike, but Captain Peabody holds her back. He looks at Cooper and Cooper gives him a look that says everything’s gonna be all right.

COOPER
Ike is smarter than a cow.
Definitely smarter than some coyote critter.
And faster. Don’t you worry about a thing.

Off in the distance, growling, snarling, yipping and fighting noises are loud and fierce. The coyote fighting for its supper and Andy fighting for its life.

There is a beat, where Malibu Mom is frantic with worry. Cooper and Captain Peabody look at each other and begin to move in the direction of the sound, but then Ike appears, trotting along proudly, with Andy the Poodle either in Ike’s mouth or running in front of him.

Malibu Mom freaks out.

MALIBU MOM

Oh Andy! Andy! My sweet boy!
Thank God you’re safe. Stupid coyote!

Malibu Mom sweeps up Andy the Poodle protectively in her arms and spins with relief and gratitude.

Ike trots over to Cooper and sits and looks up at him and Captain Peabody - awaiting orders.

Captain Peabody is beside himself.

CAPTAIN PEABODY

Holy sh….. 

COOPER
Smarter than a cow. Good job Ike.
Treats for you soon.

CUT TO

INT. IN THE CAB OF LITTLE RED - DAY

If Ike was riding in the back before, he’s riding up front now, in between Cooper and Captain Peabody - looking happy to be there and pleased with himself. He knows he done good.

CAPTAIN PEABODY

That was… Wow! Just when you think you’ve seen it all. 

Could be another Medal of Valor coming up for your doggie dog.

Cooper is driving but scratches Ike on the head.

COOPER

Is that how all brush inspections go?

CAPTAIN PEABODY

Not even close.
That was… that woman draws a lot of water in this town. 
She’s worth like the GDP of Albania or something.
And Double Aught needs all the good press it can get.

COOPER

She offered me her guest house.
Free of charge. It’s pretty nice.

CAPTAIN PEABODY

Oh she did? Well that was nice of her but be careful.
Malibu has coyotes but Malibu also has cougars
if you know what that is.

COOPER

I’ve heard of it.

CAPTAIN PEABODY 

Malibu has a lot of women who have more money than youth.

And just as Ike was fresh meat to that coyote, 

there are women here who will try to snatch you.

COOPER

I’ve got Ike to protect me.

CAPTAIN PEABODY

Okay, well just be careful with the citizens here.
Malibu’s a small town and word
gets around fast about any shenanigans.
Screwin’ and suin’ are the national pastimes of Malibu.

COOPER

Roger that. Where to now?

CAPTAIN PEABODY

You like hamburgers Ike?
I think you’ve earned a hamburger.

Ike barks affirmative and they roll west toward the Malibu Pier and lunch.

CUT TO

EXT. THE MALIBU PIER - DAY

An overview of the Malibu Pier from the parking lot to the end, showing Little Red parked in a special slot close to the end of the pier. Cooper and Captain Peabody are walking to the end of the pier with Ike trotting along with them, savoring all the new smells and sensations - ocean, air, bait, people.

It’s all new to Cooper, too. The view from the Malibu Pier takes in a lot but he is fixated on the view to the west - of Surfrider Beach and the surfers in the water and a lot of sea and sky.

CAPTAIN PEABODY

Big Sky country.

COOPER

You read my mind. This place is something else.
Looks good from this angle.